I struggled a bit this week to know what I was going to write about. I usually start working on a post through the week and I usually have a pretty good idea what I’m going to write. Not this week. It was a week but also I just wasn’t too sure what I wanted to write I about. I didn’t feel ‘inspired’. I have 38 possible draft posts sitting there ready to go but I just wasn’t feeling any of them. But that’s life right? I have this goal in my mind that I would like to write a blog post a week for a year. It makes sense, then, that I won’t be inspired or have the time to give it a huge amount of thought every week. I won’t always be motivated.
Motivation. What a load of crap.
The more I read about success and living a happy life, the more I realise that success isn’t associated with special people who happen to have a never ending well of motivation. It’s an area of my life I have given myself a lot of shit about. I don’t stay motivated. I can’t keep my motivation. I’m lazy, I’m weak, blah, blah, blah. I’m coming to realise, though haven’t completely embedded this yet, that it may be there at the start, it may drop in from time, but it takes more than being motivated to be successful.
I’m one of those ‘Ooooh…look something shiny and new’ people. I can get right excited about a new programme, diet, project, tattoo, hairstyle, event, idea…but when the motivation wears off I’m all like, over it. Then the guilt. But motivation is all about emotions. And emotions can lie. Emotions can be fickle. They can come and go. They can turn on you.
I had a busy, sleep deprived, worrisome, hormonal week. Which means my anxiety was all jacked up. Which means most of my energy was going towards feeling crap, trying to figure out how I can adult AND curl up on the couch at the same time and trying to deflect all the negative chat. This all meant that my motivation for the good stuff just wasn’t there. But actually, I achieved quite a bit. I’m bad for allowing my emotions to dictate how I feel about what I’ve accomplished. Feeling good? I’m a freakin’ goddess working my magic. Feeling crap? None of it matters and none of it’s enough. Yep. It’s that dramatic. Ask M.
So, I’ve been trying to acknowledge the good I’m doing even when I don’t ‘feel good’. And yeah…looking back this week was pretty productive. Why? What helped?
Here’s what I noticed…and motivation didn’t play a single damn part it in.
Quite a few of the things I achieved this week happened because I didn’t allow space for overthinking. I just began. I put my shoes on for a walk before allowing myself to think about how tired I was and we ended up going for quite the adventure. I started tidying one part of one room just to get going and it turned into a bigger clean than I expected. I literally put all thoughts out of my head and let habit take over. Shoes were getting put on before my brain could even lodge a protest.
Put some light on that shade.
I don’t like looking at the negative stuff. Much better to just hide it away right? But, what I’m trying to do differently is acknowledge the yucky stuff so I can find a solution for it or even just to talk shit about it. I voiced that some of my lack of energy was due to those glorious hormones and it meant I didn’t have to try, and fail, at covering them up. I may have cried while saying it but it got said. I shared that I was feeling anxious it took away the fear of being exposed. And I felt better for it. Immediately better. Give the negative some attention, just don’t let it take over.
Rely on others.
Acknowledge that you can’t do it all. Yep. You need to do that. I vented to a friend about stuff that was annoying me and she was able to make me feel less alone. I was able to share with M that I wasn’t feeling super kick ass which lead to conversations about stuff we can do to make things better. He practically led me by the hand to the gym to workout yesterday when I was being a petulant child and didn’t wanna. I ended up lifting one of my heaviest rack pulls ever. Like what? I finally admitted that I didn’t know what to write this week and he suggested I do this. Write about this. So I am. Ask for help. People want to help. It let’s them feel more a part of your life. You need a team.
Let things percolate. Sit with ideas, worries, thoughts for a minute or two. Give yourself some space to let what you need come through. Right after M mentioned me writing about this I started to madly note down some ideas. Cue feeling overwhelmed. So I shut it down, put on one of those weird, white, fabric masks that make you look like an axe murderer and sat in the bath. No book. No phone. Just sat. And the thoughts started to move about. The ideas started to line up into a plan. I was able to reflect on what actually helped me this week and this list was formed.
You know what’s what…and you know what you need to do. Needing a break isn’t weak. Taking some time to take care of yourself isn’t lazy and selfish. Do what you need to do to move forward. Every week I think that I’ve written my last post, that there’s no way I can keep this going. And every week something comes along that gives me a wee nudge. Sometimes it’s on the long ass car journey to work. Sometimes it’s during a walk in a field. Sometimes it’s during a bath or when I’m having a mindful moment. It’s always when there is some space for it…and I’m starting to trust that this will keep on happening. I’m learning to trust that this is how I work best.
So, after all this, after thinking I wasn’t going to be able to write anything this week. After thinking that I wouldn’t have anything good to say. After assuming that I was a bit crap. Here I am.
And for this week that’s enough.
For this week…it’s actually pretty fucking brilliant.