You would think holidaying would be just the thing for someone who can wrestle with anxiety at times. You’d think that it would be easy to just chill and relax. Not so my friends. Or at least, not so for me. My anxiety likes to visit when we are in times of uncertainty. When there are no fixed routines or structures to the day. When there are a lot of unknowns. She’s a cow like that.
And then there’s the whole enjoying myself part. My anxiety lies to me and tells me that there is only so much good in the world, only so many good or happy or lucky things can happen before disaster strikes. That if I actually let go and enjoy myself then I am inviting pain and heartache. I sit on a knife’s edge waiting for the other shoe to drop. To be fair, I spend much of my life like this. Waiting for the shit to hit the fan. I mean, how can I have so much when others’ don’t? How is it fair that I experience what I do? There are horrible things happening in the world, there is starvation and people hurting and lives being destroyed, and … … … see? What the actually flaming heck? I’m calling bullshit.
Not this time anxiety. Not this time.
We can live our life fully AND care about others and do our best to help. We can do both. So this time we are going to live and love with our whole hearts. By ‘we’ I mean anxiety and I. She is coming along anyways but she doesn’t get the controls this time. We are going to go with the flow and do the things we always wanted to do. We are going to wear what we want and not give a flying flip what anyone thinks. We are going to eat, drink and be merry. We are going to own every part of the experience and be fully all in. We are going to take what we need and give what we want and just live it up. Or read and chat and sip on margaritas all day long and be in bed by 10pm because really…that is my jam and my best thing.
Also, I did the unthinkable. I pre-wrote this and scheduled it to come out today. This would usually terrify me. Tempting fate much? But no. When this is published, I’ll be a day into a five night vacay with my love. And I promise I’ll be all in and enjoying myself. Just as I would hope for everyone to spend their precious holiday time. I’m going to enjoy every bit because I deserve to. I owe it to myself to allow my soul to be at peace and to absorb every last bit of my life’s experiences. If I’m willing to experience the crappy and the hard parts and to do all the hard work getting to really know myself and work through the shit I know I need to work on….then I damn well deserve to enjoy the lovely parts too. All of them and without guilt and with an immense amount of gratitude in my heart. Here’s to letting anxiety ride shotgun without touching any of the controls. Hands under your bum, Anxiety. And keep them there.